that ain’t no fantasy, mr!

fantasy island used to scare the bejeezus outta me. maybe that’s because i first saw it when i was 5 or 6 years old and didn’t have the slightest clue as to what was going on. but there was something creepy and oddly frightening about that show when viewed through the eyes of a child. i guess it was a combination of a lot of things, actually. the creepy old white house, the strange use of colors, the scary tattoo and even scarier mr roarke, all that lush vegetation where people could hide and grab little children…

but after just watching a rerun from season 6 starring loretta lynn, sherman helmsley, heather locklear, and ted mcginley, i may have to rethink my fear of this show. in this episode, titled ‘The Kleptomaniac/Thank God I’m a Country Girl’, loretta lynn goes out on a limb and plays loretta wentworth, a mother who gave up her daughter (heather locklear) so that she wouldn’t be stuck in the life of a coal miner. She is then reunited with her daughter on fanstasy island. Her daughter is set to marry a no-good ted mcginley (who has been on every show ever put on the small screen) until loretta proves he’s unworthy by enticing him to hit on her.

The scene where loretta lynn tells heather locklear that she gave up a country singing career to wait tables so she could send money to her daughter was one of the most wooden displays of acting i’ve seen. not to say it wasn’t entertaining. it was definitely entertaining.

in the meantime, a bumbling mr jefferson is robbed and must gather the courage to get back a necklace that has been stolen. in an amazing display of courage, he hides in the bushes and hits the robber on the head with a stick. the day is saved.

cue the scene where mr. roarke allows loretta to sing as a professional for the first time, and there you have an episode of fantasy island.

actually, the more i think of it, i may not have been so wrong as a kid. fantasy island might just be the creepiest, scariest show ever.

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